Shit, dude. You's graduatin'
It is graduation time again. I’m sure it will come as no surprise that I have not been asked to speak at any graduation ceremonies to send our future leaders off into the world. I, however, still believe I have sage advice to pass on to these fine, new scholars soon-to-be entrepreneurs, inventors, and CEO’s. (Cue Pomp and Circumstance March.) http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=trSKP_rjSbM&feature=related
Firstly, as you go out into the world and get your own apartment, condo, town home, what-have-you, it is important to keep it somewhat clean. As I recall, this was not an easy task. I lived in an apartment where my kitchen wall connected to the filthy pig’s kitchen wall next door. We had a tremendous roach problem. One day I didn’t feel like doing the dinner dishes right away so I stacked them in the refrigerator to leave no accessible scraps for the roaches to gnaw on. And oddly enough, it turned out to be a brilliant idea that reached farther than I had expected. For some reason, instead of the dishes getting crusty and hard to clean, the coolness and condensation inside the refrigerator keeps the dirty dishes “freshly dirty” for easy cleaning whenever you’re ready to do that shit. So for easy clean-up after a meal, put all your dirty dishes in the refrigerator.
Secondly, someone once passed on the advice to me that if you wake up late for work, you can hang your clothes in the bathroom while you shower and the steam will take out all the wrinkles. This is a lie. When I woke-up late and hung-over one day, I attempted to do this. My shirt wasn’t the slightest bit “steamed” from the shower and, running very late, I had to go into work with a wrinkled shirt hidden underneath my suit coat. Unfortunately for me, that was a hot day and the office air conditioning was broken so I sat sweltering in a full suit all day, unable to ease my terrible discomfort since we were meeting with some company “big wigs.” Although coworkers laughed at me, all red-faced, distracted, and sweat pouring down my face, it’s not funny. All ironing must be done before you go out drinking – or consider buying wrinkle-free shirts.
Lastly, as you make your way out into the world, if you ever happen to find yourself being arrested, don’t be a smartass to the officer. Don’t ask me why, but police officers don’t think wise-ass jokes are funny, like making fun of their hat. Or their gun. Or playing dumb about where all the guns in your trunk came from. It really doesn’t help you out any. In fact, it could be said that it only gets you into deeper shit. Remember, always be polite to arresting police officers.
So as you each begin paving your own path, fresh and inspired in your youth and ready to conquer the world, keep these things in mind and you will be very successful. Good luck my sons and daughters of optimism, idealism, and spirit!
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