on the fence

So, I got another job rejection.  I think I could wallpaper a museum with the number of times I’ve been told, “Sorry dum-dum, you’re not good enough.”

So now I’m just sitting on the fence, trying to decide if I should  settle for my current crappy existence or keep striving to reach “my dreams.”  Which sounds laughable right now because I’m light years away from where I want to be.  I must be an idiot to think I have anything worthwhile to offer.  It’s like the movie Groundhog Day and everyday I wake up and go to the same stupid job that suffocates my creative spirit. 

I’m so tired of fighting for something that never seems to come.  So right now, I’m just going to sit. http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=wzrXc68gNjQ

And now the question remains: do I continue to pursue my dreams, despite risk, and failure, and others thinking “Oh something that cool would never happen.”?  Or do lower my standards and expectations for something deemed “more realistic” despite not having much to look forward to?  Because most people don’t really like their job anyhow?   (sigh)

Damn my restless spirit. Here I go again…    http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=r3wuXyOUKJw

http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=EoDKQYn-ANE

for the graduating class of 2010…

Shit, dude. You's graduatin'

It is graduation time again.  I’m sure it will come as no surprise that I have not been asked to speak at any graduation ceremonies to send our future leaders off into the world.  I, however, still believe I have sage advice to pass on to these fine, new scholars soon-to-be entrepreneurs, inventors, and CEO’s.  (Cue Pomp and Circumstance March.) http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=trSKP_rjSbM&feature=related

Firstly, as you go out into the world and get your own apartment, condo, town home, what-have-you, it is important to keep it somewhat clean.  As I recall, this was not an easy task.  I lived in an apartment where my kitchen wall connected to the filthy pig’s kitchen wall next door.  We had a tremendous roach problem.  One day I didn’t feel like doing the dinner dishes right away so I stacked them in the refrigerator to leave no accessible scraps for the roaches to gnaw on.  And oddly enough, it turned out to be a brilliant idea that reached farther than I had expected.  For some reason, instead of the dishes getting crusty and hard to clean, the coolness and condensation inside the refrigerator keeps the dirty dishes “freshly dirty” for easy cleaning whenever you’re ready to do that shit. So for easy clean-up after a meal, put all your dirty dishes in the refrigerator.

 Secondly, someone once passed on the advice to me that if you wake up late for work, you can hang your clothes in the bathroom while you shower and the steam will take out all the wrinkles. This is a lie.  When I woke-up late and hung-over one day, I attempted to do this.  My shirt wasn’t the slightest bit “steamed” from the shower and, running very late, I had to go into work with a wrinkled shirt hidden underneath my suit coat.  Unfortunately for me, that was a hot day and the office air conditioning was broken so I sat sweltering in a full suit all day, unable to ease my terrible discomfort since we were meeting with some company “big wigs.” Although coworkers laughed at me, all red-faced, distracted, and sweat pouring down my face, it’s not funny. All ironing must be done before you go out drinking – or consider buying wrinkle-free shirts.

 Lastly, as you make your way out into the world, if you ever happen to find yourself being arrested, don’t be a smartass to the officer.  Don’t ask me why, but police officers don’t think wise-ass jokes are funny, like making fun of their hat. Or their gun.  Or playing dumb about where all the guns in your trunk came from.  It really doesn’t help you out any.  In fact, it could be said that it only gets you into deeper shit.  Remember, always be polite to arresting police officers.

So as you each begin paving your own path, fresh and inspired in your youth and ready to conquer the world, keep these things in mind and you will be very successful.  Good luck my sons and daughters of optimism, idealism, and spirit!

the married life

Check out the stupid little movie I made at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rj3vRXFW3T4  Well, if you’re really bored, that is. Or if you like stupid stuff.  And if you’re reading this, you probably do.

financial responsibility

Suze Orman lecturing about blah blah blah blah

I can’t stand finances.  I have no interest in being like Suzy Orman.  That woman could use a drink, or several.  I don’t want to get wrapped up in and stressed out over trying to account for every last one of my dimes.  If the dime is there, it’s there. If it’s not, it’s not.  Whenever someone starts talking about finances I automatically tune them out to only hear the “wah wah wah, wah wah, wah wah,” that Charlie Brown hears when his teacher speaks.  I can’t help it; my brain just does it.  I do not balance my check book, I look at my online account to check my balance.  I do not keep track of retirement moneys, I have a long time until I retire.  I do not compare receipts against credit card statements, I guesstimate.  Some may call me “financially irresponsible.”  I prefer “free spirit.”  And “fun.”  Life is too short for that boring shit.

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grocery shopping awesomeness!

How’s this for awesome: I’m in the grocery store Sunday afternoon – unshowered, no make-up – passionately singing along to Dreamweaver playing over the soundsystem – tears in my eyes because the song is just so relevant and touching.  I think what makes it extra special is that I can’t ever seem to find what I’m looking for.  So I spend 2 hours aimlessly wandering the store for 10 items. And they play one great song after another.

relationships

 I watched the movie Up in the Air.  Ahhh, relationships: there’s Clooney’s character who has no expectations about anything because he doesn’t ever want to be married.  Then there’s the young, female idealist who wants someone who “fits the bill”  – her laundry list of who he should be.  And there’s the 34 year old woman who says she is like Clooney, only with a vagina.  She enjoys spontaneity and sewing her wild oats. But when he shows up at her house, not knowing she is married and has kids, she becomes very protective of her “real life.” 

I wonder, as women are we biologically programmed to crave stability like the two women in this movie?  Perhaps because we are the child-bearers and care-takers?  While I consider myself a free-spirit and enjoy living in the moment without loading things up with expectations of how it “should be,” I still get flashes of insecurity when I’m dating someone and I don’t know where he is or why he doesn’t answer my call.  Does he think about me when I’m not around? Does he miss my company? Or does he just want to bone me?Maybe this is all very fleeting.   Maybe he will up and disappear. 

So what’s the happy medium?  How do we find a balance between living in the moment without a ton of baggage and feeling secure that it will last or at least that we will be OK?  Does a balance between these two even exist? 

So I asked my good friend Jim Beam.  I said, “Jimmy, why does shit suck so bad?”  To which he replied, “Kid, lemme tell you somethin.  Life is never static. You just have to get comfortable knowing nothing ever stays the same.  Enjoy the connections you make…

   Don’t want to wait ’til you know me better…let’s just be glad for this time together…life’s such a treat and it’s time you taste it…there ain’t a reason on earth to waste it…Lick it up, liiick it up, Ooooh ooh oh! It’s only right now…”

God I love Jimmy.

more temp stuff

So I spent a chunk of my morning arguing basic math math with a senior administrator. “No, really, 81100 / 100 =811. Dividing by 100 moves the decimal 2 places. Seriously, where’s your calculator?” How is it that I’m the temp?

Horoscopes

HOROSCOPES FOR 2010  

Little did you know I was blessed with a sixth sense…

Aries (March 21- April 20) Damn, you’re good looking. But your good looks, intelligence, persistence, and hard-headedness still won’t get you out of a bind.  Luckily you will be distracted and entertained by the Worlds Largest Poo you stumble upon in a Walmart bathroom stall (and will drag all your friends in to see, too).

Taurus (April 21- May 21) You are surrounded by fucking idiots. It’s unbelievable how stupid everyone is. You will be irritated everyday.

Gemini (May 22- June 21) You are the only person that thinks you are funny, and you will be greatly entertained by yourself.

Cancer (June 22- July 23) Someone at work will greatly upset you.  Then your spouse/roommate will upset you.  Then someone at the gas station will upset you.  Then TV personalities making fun of Britney Spears will upset you.

Leo (July 24- August 23) You will get a promotion at work but you will frequently tip over due to your giant head. You will win a fiercely competitive game of soccer against some 5 year olds.  You will win the last box of Ho Ho’s on the grocery shelf by punching out some fellow shoppers.  You will win the local Most Beautiful Home & Garden award but will get wedged in the bathroom because of your giant head.

Virgo (August 24 – Sept 23) Your anal-retentiveness will reach new heights this year.  You will yell at the grocery bagger for “not doing it right” and will re-clean everything your spouse/roommate already cleaned.

Libra (Sept 24- October 23) You will visit a dear, old friend’s house.  The first chair you sit in will be too hard.  The next chair you sit in will be too soft.  The third chair you sit in will be just right. 

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22) Despite being an excellent lover, your partner will be unfaithful to you.  To seek revenge you will smother all of his/her personal belongings in peanut butter and will show up to his/her work in your Darth Vader costume in an attempt to get him/her fired.

Sagittarius (Nov 23- Dec 22) You will earn a cameo in the current filming project by Scorsese just by being your brilliantly charming self.  You will also jump onto a stadium football field and flash the entire north and east ends while completely sober.

Capricorn (Dec 23- Jan 20) You will decide to buy a new car, and then decide against it. Then decide to buy a used car, and then decide against it.  Then decide to buy a new car, and then decide against it.  You finally decide to do something totally crazy and buy a sexy Ford Taurus station wagon in beige.

Aquarius (Jan 21- Feb 19) You will choreograph your very own interpretive dance for performance in your backyard which no one else will understand. You will paint a modern art masterpiece that will make you feel all warm inside.

Pisces (Feb 20- March 20) An unusually dull year for the Pisces – you will become a famous rock star.  Then you will become a dentist. Then you will become a sky-diving Elvis impersonator.  Then you will become a Mayan ruins archeologist.

family bonds

My parents hate me.  If I were on the cover of Time Magazine as Woman of the Year, the first woman U.S. President, and winner of the Pulitzer and Nobel Peace Prizes, all my mother would have to say to me is, “What did you wear to that photo shoot?!” (sigh and eye roll)

 While my father usually stares at me as though I were bleeding from my eyes, my mother is a bit more vocal.  Allow me to share a few examples:

Spotting me in a bikini as a teenager: “Oh my goooosh…Carrie, you are fat! (gasp) Look at her! Look at her! Faaat!”

A phone call to me while I was away at college: “Hi Carrie, it’s your mother.  I just wanted to let you know your hair makes you look like a lesbian. OK, bye.”

And more recently: “Now just because you haven’t done a single thing right from the day you were born doesn’t mean we don’t love you. ” (Father continues to stare at me as though I were bleeding from my eyes.) “You were never the daughter we wanted, but of course we love you…sometimes.  What are you so upset about?! You have always been so difficult. I think you’re bipolar.  You need to see your doctor about that – there is something wrong with you. And we care about you very much…sometimes.”

Since I can’t beat them and I can’t join them, I’ve decided I have nothing else to do but create my own game where I irritate the piss out of them more than they do me. 

Today my divorce is final.  Score: Me - 100 points for destroying the entire family unit, Parents – zilch.